super. thanks for asking.

hello, and welcome to the insomniac hour.

this is day number ? (lost count) that i haven't been able to sleep the night through. not even close. i'm lucky if my eyes stay shut for an hour or two at a time. it's not that i don't fall asleep. it's that i don't stay asleep. and once i'm up, i'm up. but the thing is, i don't live alone and the apartment is not at all a big one. oh hell, we live in a "soft loft" and have a 2-foot gap between the walls and the ceiling in the living room/kitchen, bedroom and office. this means that i can't spend my nights casting spells and brewing brews or even watching tv.

so i lie in bed.
just lie there.
in bed.
lying there.
under the covers.
eyelids peeled back so far my eyelashes shake hands with my eyebrows.
i lie there.

it's a good time for my mind to wander, but i don't always have a good time when it does. it tends to find those extra spooky moments from that episode of paranormal state that i knew i shouldn't watch but did anyway. things in my bedroom are dark and the faint bits of light take on the form of other things and

was that a face? did i see a face?

i am most certainly haunted by a brain that doesn't know when to shut up. it retraces the day and the year and even finds ways to go back and evaluate the future. i make plans that i forget and i listen to my dog snore as he sleeps deeply with his hind leg in the air and his groin exposed.

i think about my dogs and i think that it's funny and almost ironic that i wound up with 2 adopted animals with more food allergies than i have. no corn, no soy, no wheat, no barley, no oats, no shellfish, no preservatives, no sweet potatoes... i feel like they're kindred spirits in a way. they count on me to keep them healthy and i understand and do my best and i'm pretty sure that even if my best weren't enough they'd still feel like the luckiest dogs around. they're just like that. it makes me feel good.

and as i type this i remember how just a few hours ago my boyfriend came running into this room just having returned from the gym, and with one grand gesture he peeled his t-shirt off to show me that he can almost flex one of his pec muscles. he was proud and we both smiled and i love how we are both able to truly enjoy the little things.  unless those little things are green beans. he does not enjoy those.

i live for the details.

i don't know what got me here. sure, things are not perfect. never have been. never will be. i don't know why i deserve the things that i have. i don't think i do. don't know how i possibly could. and so, between my family, my friends, and this life that i live i know that i have to somehow earn this and then tip the scales in such a way that i'm lighter from giving. but i don't know how to do this. i do know that whatever i do it has to be big and so i lie awake and uneasy at night, trying to spin those last few pieces into position. until they fall i will make you some tea and wash some of your socks with my laundry and feel heavy and grateful.

this insomniac's hour is done.